You see my smile, not the inside.

My story.

Kategori: Allmänt

My life with depression, anxiety, panicattacks & moodswings.

Okey friends do not get chocked, Ive decided to tell this story cause mental ilness is so common theese days which scares me and its such a "non-talkable" subject. You dont tell people this things cause most of you would probably answer with "yea I know, Im feeling down sometimes as well and I don't wanna do anything and on and on", and you might even say "Youre just making it all up and should just pull youself together".
For some people the depression is a chronic deasease that cant just be "blown away". Its a lifelong struggle. Youre missing the ability to "pull yourself together".

So this is basicly my life since november until now. Its pretty long but I will try to make it as short as I can and fairly understandable...
Been living in London from 28th of october 2011-23rd of november 2012. Can add that I worked as a bartender for almost the whole year which believe me guys, its a VERY stressful job!

Took the flight back to Sweden the 23 of nov because I was really ill (mentally). Was supposed to stay in sweden for 1-2 months and go to a psychologist like 10 times to fix my problems.... (my depression & panicattacks Ive had since I was 18, Im now 23 in june...).
Everything started to come back for some reason in may 2012 and it only got worse and worse.

Went to the shrink once, didnt like her.

Everything just got worse and worse and I started to get enough of everything, I was absolutely drained and tired of living. Lost all my hope for the future. Felt like a failiure. I can't control my thoughts, the depression does.
Had extreme anxiety everyday & panicattacks very often.
Went to my GP, told her about my year in london quick (I was in really bad shape that day...). She gave me anitdepressants and benzo (like anxiety relieving and calming...).
Then she told me if everything got worse I should come back and then she might put me into a pshyciatric hospital.
Ofc everything got worse (everything was already bad as it was + the meds I took have that sideeffect in the beginning of making everything you already have worse).
I didnt wanna do anything anymore. Just cried all day long, home alone in my bed.
I got suicidal.

Went back to my GP. She decided to put me in a "locked pshyciatric section" (for people with deep depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide or made suicide attempts).
Thought I was gonna be there for three days, ended up beeing there for 9 weeks....

Got "released" at one point from a doctor that I absolutely hate and later on me and my family "sued" her.
She let me go when I didnt have any appreciation to live anymore, but didnt wanna die at the same time. She also gave me prescriptions for loads of meducation.
I came home, everything in my mind was dark and i couldnt think clear, took loads of pills... was gone after 5 minutes.

My mum and sister took me as fast as they could to the hospital to the emergency room. Came into a room where they took a lot of blood tests and putted needles in my arms and my hand.
I stayed there over the night at some medical overdose section.
Had to drink liquid medical charcoal to catch up all the meds in my body so they wouldnt get out in my blood.

I don't remember much from that night when I woke up the morning after, and I still dont.
When I woke up I had this feeling of beeing "re-born", cant explain it further tho.

Came back to the same section as before, nr 57.

Stayed there until 18 of jan. Went "home" to london the 19th. Picked up all my stuff and moved back to my parents in Sweden.
Back home the 23 jan I believe. Was at home for a bit, cant really remember.

Didnt feel good at all.... if I've felt like shit mentally before, it was 1000000 times worse now. I was thinking about taking my own life for real. But the thought of doing that to all the people around me... Im ashamed over thinking those things and writing this.

But one night, again, when it was too much for me to handle, my contactpeople from some pshyciatric place decided to drive me back to the pshiciatric emergency room.
Once again everything in my head was dark and I couldnt see anty light. I had loads of strong painkillers in my bag. went into the bathroom at the emergency room. Took half of the jar.
Didnt "dissapear" this time.
After I came out I told some nurses, cause I was ashamed of what Ive just done. They took me down to the "normal emergencyroom".

A nurse took blood tests and then the doctor came in and said they have put this huge tube down my throat into my stomach.... to get all the substances out, before they start going into my blood.. (dunno the word for it in english), and if that would happen it could cause serious liver and kidney problems for the rest of my life. And a death that would probably be slow and painful, not very pleasant.

Had to swallow the 11,80 inches long & 1,97 inches wide tube down my throat which as the same time causes a lot of vomiting, had to do that over and over again. Vomited in the tube and all over myself, blood from my stomach came up as well.

Was the worst 10 minutes of my life.

After they were done I asked if everything was okey now, they said no. So they had to put me into anaesthetic, this was at 2am. They had put liquid medical charcoal down the tube this time.
I woke up from the anaesthetic at 3am.
Had so much pain in my stomach.
Had to stay the night in a "immediate emergency section".
Horrible. Wires and tubes all over me. Wasnt even able to go to the bathroom...
The anaesthetic doctor told me they wasnt able to get it all up, so they took some more blood tests to check my liver values.

Later on in the morning they told me everything was okey.

At midday my parents came, I couldnt look them in the eyes cause I was so ashamed of what Ive done to them, once again. They told me I shouldnt feel that way.

I came back to the same section, nr 57. Felt ashamed and like a failure for coming back AGAIN and not beeing able to live "a normal life" and handle my problems by myself. Was so hard for me to walk back in there.

Got a lil bit better. Left after 1,5 week. But I was still not well.

Since then Im struggling everyday with my depression, anxiety and moodswings.
But Ive only had like two-three panicattacks in like 2 months.

Taking 5 different meds called Sertraline (antidepressant), Lamotrigine (mood stabilizer), Seroquel/Quetiapine (atypical antipsychotic/insomnia), Oxazepan (benzodiazepine against anxiety and insomnia) and Zopiclone (relief of sleep disturbances).

Ive also been taking Antabuse cause Ive been very dependent on alcohol. I have never been able to say no and Ive almost always been the person who drinks the most, wanna be out the longest and so on. Always hyper and energic.
But now Ive stopped taking the meducation cause Ive finally been able to stay away from alchohol by my own choice and I CAN say no now. I dont wanna drink alcohol anymore.
I also did some drugs cause when you have a week personality against those stuff and your self-esteem is GONE, you do anything in the world to feel better, whatever that might be.

Im free from it all now and Ive been sober from alcohol for 3,5 months.
Im going to the hospital once a week talking to a nurse/a doctor about everything.
Gonna start a therapy metod called DBT (Dialectical behaviour therapy). And in like 6 months theyre gonna start a pshyciatric investigation about if Ive got borderline/emotionally unstable personality disorder, if Im bipolar or has adhd....

Its soooo much more in this story to be told but its to hard to explain and Im pretty tired of it cause Ive told soo many people the same thing over and over again. This must be at least the 10th time Im telling this story. Thats also a reason why Ive chosen to post this here for "the public" cause I am SO tired of walking around meeting people asking me how I am, what Im doing and on and on it goes. And I always have to lie, straight up in their faces. And Im not a person who likes to lie, I am very honest to people around me.
My answers are always "Im good good good :D / Im unemployed for the moment / Yes Im gonna find a job soon / Im not drinking because Im driving".

I am a smiley & social person and I NEVER show a bad side in public, but I am not well, I am not happy.
I am depressed and I cannot work.

Im having a very ruff time. But Im fighting, everyday, always scared of how the next day is gonna be like.
Some days Im strong and glad and I can see the light, some days its just darkness.

Not many people have known this story about me, until now.

Im not ashamed anymore and I dont wanna hide that Im actually sick and I need help. And Im finally getting help, soon. Because I know even tho I feel like the lonliest person on earth, there is people out there going thrue pretty much the same thing.

I understand if you dont understand ANY of this cause if you havnt been in the same situation, its REALLY hard to understand. If you have, you can probably relate to some things...

And to my family and all my friends out there who is supporting me, you dont have to do more for me than youre already doing, it is more than enough! It warms my heart that youre believing in me and it is because of you Im continuing to fight this.

That was my story. Thank you for reading it and please, dont judge me.


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